My first few months of motherhood was the most emotional time of my life. I was overwhelmed with this fierce love and while I experienced the most intense joys. It was also an incredibly painful time for me. Sitting my her side, going back and forth from the hospital and having to say goodbye to her each day. The heart ache felt like I was leaving a piece of me behind, the best way I can describe it is a feeling of emptiness. The days were so long and they seemed to blur together. The days became weeks, which rolled into months and finally she came home.
Becoming a mum left me feeling vulnerable, questioning myself and reevaluating my priorities. You’re thrown into this whirlwind, you become selfless, more patient and kind. You’re challenged emotionally and physically, your body pushed to its limits. You don’t think you can keep it up, but you do. Time and time again you do everything for this precious little life, you love so fiercely. You’re drained you’re tired; emotionally and physically. But somewhere along the lines you realise that you’ve got this. You’re pushed so far, you discover how strong you really are.
Part of the beauty of motherhood, is you continue to grow, change, and evolve with your baby. They say when a baby is born a mother is born, but I think it can also take time to build that confidence. Just as Adele has progressed, so have I. Deep down I know there are still parts of her early arrival that I haven’t dealt with or fully come to terms with yet. There have been times that I really struggled, and its taken time to adapt. I have had tearful and frustrating days, coupled with the most loving moments of pure joy and laughter.
Tiny humans can grow so fast and sometimes just when you get into a groove something changes. Some days can be tough and you find yourself counting down the hours to nap time. Then you experience one of those ‘pinch me, is this really happening moments’ that you never want to end. I’ve come to realise that I might always be dealing with this push and pull of emotions. I still don’t get enough sleep, we sometimes have hard times and I don’t always get it right. But I am completely infatuated with this little girl and we are in such a beautiful place.
A few months ago my best friend asked me, ‘is being a Mum what you expected it to be?’ At the time I didn’t really know how to answer it, I don’t know that I had expectations as such. With not a lot of experience with young babies, I didn’t really know what to expect. I also don’t really think you can be prepared with the onslaught of emotions and life altering changes that come with having a newborn. But watching a child explore the wonders of the world as their little brain develops is pretty damn special. Seeing them take everything in, as they develop new skills is incredible to watch. I don’t know what I expected it to be, but it is all that and so much more.
Here I am, a year in, I have a gorgeous, happy, sassy little girl who, in the blink of an eye has become just that – a little girl. Full of personality, gentle but strong willed, with the cheekiest of smiles. Nothing in my life has been so transformative or forced me to evolve more. Every part of this journey has been so worth is, even the most difficult stages, night wakings, endless crying, all of it. Some days I feel like I do everything and nothing at the same time. The reality is I’ve been watching and guiding my baby as she has transforms into a little girl. This year I’ve been lost in the most beautiful and challenging experience of my life and I’ve discovered more about who I am in the process.